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Joe Burn's "Emo-trash teenagers" Aristocrats Joke

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

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Immediately the father takes out a small pocket tape player, and switches it on. The song is one from a popular 1940s circus act, featuring the repeated lines "Clem the red-lipped nigger, never knew a Bar Code from a Rice Picker, even though he couldn't see it, his hair was so much thicker!".

Then, stripping down, the entire family show that they are all wearing a black latex suit, depicting the image of Thích Quảng Đức in self-immolation, with the accompanying slogan "Hot Enough For Ya?". At this point, the mother steps forward, and says that she's going to excuse herself from the act, since she is pregnant, and worried for the health of her child. The father, enraged, hits her in the back of her head, causing her to fall to her knees, screaming. The father nods to the son, who unzips his jeans, and slides out his 6 inch penis. He pushes it against the mother's mouth, but she refuses to open - so the father takes out his pocket knife, forces her lips upwards, and starts to cut at her gums, causing her to open her mouth and scream in pain. Blood fills her mouth, and she begins to cough, and the father – using all his strength – kicks at her mouth, causing one of her front teeth to become knocked out.

At this point, with blood all around her, she opens her mouth, and the son pushes in his hairy penis. He moans in ecstasy, feeling the warm blood of the mother around his shaft, as he pushes it in and out. The father removes the lower part of the mother's clothing, leaving her in just a thong. He removes the thong by pulling at it, and then attempts to stuff it up her anus. However, her anus wont open, so he takes some black scissors out of his pocket, and jabs at her starfish, cutting it, and then proceeds to physically rip it with his hands – until a large mutilated hole is left.

The pain of this shocks the mother, who instinctively bites down on the penis of the son. However, her bite was just the stimulation which he needed to orgasm, and he starts to fill her bloody gums with his young sperm. While this is happening, the father sucks at the shit of the mother through a straw which he inserted inside the rip of skin he cut into her anus.

Now the daughter, not having been asked to do anything, sits in the corner and begins to cry. Through the tears, she sings "What's the worst that I could say? Things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight. So long not goodnight", because she knows that the only people which could understand her 11 year old pain is the ‘band' My Chemical Romance. Feeling worse, she screams "FUCK YOU JESUS, YOU NEVER SAVED ME" and, using her sharp black fingernails (the polish of which, she purchased at Claire's Accessories) begins to cut at her left wrist, pricking at the veins, moving the blue and purple strands about, until she impales one and it spurts blood.

While this is happening, the father has covered the back of the son with the mother's shit. Now, feeling angry at his skin bag excuse of a daughter, he realizes that he never wants to have any more children. He kicks the stomach of the pregnant mother, feeling the force hit upon an object in her womb. She starts to puke over the face of the son, which laps it up, enjoying the stale taste of vodka mixed with cheese. The father starts to force his hand up the mother's vagina, pushing past the weak barriers of skin inside her, feeling her body tissue rip. Finally, with almost half his arm inside her, he grabs hold the leg of the unborn baby girl. He tugs, breaking of a bit, and then tugs again – slowly extracting the foetus.

While this is happening, the son (growing tired of hearing the daughter) starts to piss all over his sister, while stroking the family dog. The dog laps up the urine/blood from the sister, and then pukes it back up again all over her. The son, feeling horny again from the vomit, forces his penis inside the dog's tight ass, fucking it as it yelps.

Having pulled out the foetus out, the father breaks it's jaw by forcing it's mouth completely open. The barely alive red slimy body is forced to accept the 8 inch penis of the father, as it slides down it's throat. The father holds the body with two hands, and throat fucks it with pure anger. After shooting his sperm into it, the father takes out his deodorant and sprays it all over the frail body, and points to the son, before screaming "This is our impression of September 11th".

The son (covered with his mother's shit, looking completely brown) screams "I'M A TYPICAL MUSLIM! HAIL ALLAH!" and makes airplane sounds with his lips, while extending his arms and pretending to fly around. The father, using the baby like a puppet, says "Ohhh nooo! I must jump out a window!" and proceeds to light the baby on fire, and throws it high into the air. While the baby is airborne, the daughter screams "GUESS WHO I AM??" and sings "I donnnnn't have a gunnnn" and shoots herself in the face. The flaming baby lands in the shit, and, being fragile, its body bursts and it's insides fly all over the room.

Then, the father and son jump up, and pick the others up and bow – before saying "if you want to see the act again, we'll need another pregnant woman and emo-trash daughter".

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

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