H-dog's "sharing the family meal" Aristocrats Joke
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
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He's sweating like a rapist,
Big Hollywood agent,
He’s wearing a suit people wouldn’t wear to the track, not even the dogs, his thinning hair greased down to a comb over that looks more like an undiscovered planet than a cranium.
“ you got thirty seconds” the agent , more of a drunken oompa loompa than man, grunts through his dead cigar. Purple hair and all.
Undeterred Our man swallows hard, then begins his delivery….
“ Have I got a show for you…. First, me and my family…”
“ Family?” Sez the agent “ Family shows are dead son, last thing we fucking need is another Bob Saget. There are no more funny video shows waiting for your sorry ass”
“No wait, hear me out… It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen….
…then he goes on, to explain the act…
…first, me and my family are seated at the dining table, That is my Wife, 16 year old son, 12 year old daughter and myself. We have been waiting on my parents but they are late. The butler, a hump backed ,four foot man with severe facial boils waddles in on his club foot and serves the first course,… steak tartar.
There is some sweet Mozart on the player and we collect our cutlery in unison. Then out of no where the girl sneezes. I go ape shit, grab a handful of the raw spiced mince on my plate and slam it into her sorry face, force feeding the little cunt some real fucking life, my wife screams and starts slapping me, all woman like and pussy, but the nails scratch a little blood which I like, my son starts yelling “stop it you fuckers, stop it! ”I grab that fucker by the hair and start slamming his head on the table spit dribbling from my mouth, all the while my wife and daughter try desperately to break my steel grip. In the struggle my wife’s “ample bosom” (ie tits) fall from her gown, as does my daughters developing buds. The blood from my boys nose flies up and covers the newly exposed breast-o-rama, all the while the raw mince meal is being flung over all our increasingly naked bodies.
I then strip my daughter, nasty like, and start ramming my hard cock against the base of her perfect pink rabbit nostril of an asshole. It takes a while to get through as luckily I am very well endowed, otherwise the gravity of the situation is lost on the layman. My wife starts rubbing her cunt with the mince while the boy wanks himself with what’s left on his broken plate. The mince of my wife and boy join in spite of the small cuts on his cock, and he fucks her hard doggy style while I continue my assault, slapping my daughter while ramming my cock into her virgin ass, singing Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries in the correct german.
My parent’s arrive, yell “alright, my kinda party!” and strip, immediately gnawing open their colostomy bags and emptying them on the head’s of both unions, all the while singing Fleetwood mac songs and poking us with Llama fetuses. ( it’s a bolivian thing, should of never let them travel) Grandpas teeth get stuck in the bag and the shit flies over the audience like some sort of hindu ritual.
The shit, mince, blood, and cum mingle to form something that resembles melted strawberry icecream on the table, floor, walls and audience. We all start sliding, licking, stabbing (god bless cutlery) and hitting whatever is closest to us. Grandpa rips my daughter away and tries to mercilessly fuck her with his barely able soft-on, and I go straight for his gummy shit stained mouth, Grandma spreads a vile torrent of shit on my wife while she stabs my sons cock with a carving fork. This sends us all into a rambunctious round of pelican. Where one vomits, the next catches and continues.
My boy vomits, and I catch it in my mouth, I vomit and grandpa is there, jacking off while wearing welding gloves, he vomits into grandmas pussy, as my daughter slides twenty metres thru the septic pool of human effluent on her sweet little knees finishing perfectly with her head buried in grandmas cavern of a twat, and sucks that spew out turning just in time to pass it to mommy in a big, wet, chunky tongue wrestle.
The dwarf hunchback and his army of midget chefs come back into the room and proceed to shoot us with harpoon guns, then rip them out and fuck the seeping wounds in our bodies with freakishly large members. Really fucking scarey big. As we are dieing, the butler squeezes his boils over our faces, licking the blood, pus, cum, mince and shit from every corner of the stage, all the while sighing and reciting genesis and revelations in latin. The midget chefs lightly whip him with a switch of Knobbly birch while singing enya.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"