California?'s "Retard, Toddler Addict, Dog Hater" Aristocrats Joke
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
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Thank you. Like I said this is a family act. It's me, the lovely wife, our 13 year old son, the six year old daughter, there is a 3 year old boy... we even have the granny and the dog. When the curtains open we all start to sing Yankee doodle dandy, kind of a barbershop harmony style. I sing baritone, wife does lead, the thirteen year old sings bass, and the six year old sings tenor, all the while our three year old does his tap routine. Its all really special, we harmonize so...
Agent: Yeah thats nice, but we already have something like that.
Guy: No, it gets better. Me and three year old start tapping together. It is really neat to see, trust me. We are really tearing it up. Then I bend down and we start making out, it is something to see. I mean her we are tapping away while trading spit. And for a three year old, he is a damn good kisser. And this isn't child stuff either, we are getting really hot and heavy. Plenty of tongue, I nibble on his litte ear lobe, he sucks on my bottom lip. He likes the way my five o'clock shadow rubs his cheak. This is all the while we are tapping. It really starts to pick up here.
While me and my son are doing this part of the routine my beautiful wife has began to prepare this lovely stew. It smells so good... oh and she is butt ass naked. It is quite something that her pubes don't get in the stew, they are so long, probably six inches. But it is probably because they are all matted up in vagina from all that menstrual blood. This is while my mother in law, who by the way just turned 95 has began to masturbate. And you can tell, this isn't her first time around the block. She is going wild down there, just a finger blasting. Double handed too. Keep in mind how dry her 95 year old pussy is. Have you ever had any experience with a twat that old? It is much like grilled cheese... it is all dry, but still can get kind of gooey and sticky on the inside. Thankfully for her she has a uncontrollable bladder, and because of some of her medical conditions, she discharges this viscous, mucous like substance into her urine. So her pee makes a perfectly good lube. So here is granny, just a rubbing away, pissing all over herself, while whistling the theme to the Andy Griffin Show. And this is just the beginning.
Remember me and the three year old. Yeah, we quit making out. He said in his cute little toddler voice, "Fuck forepway daddy, I want you thingy in my bobo". He is pretty horny, ecstasy does that to the little guy, and has been rolling for days. So I start fucking is little round bottom. No lube needed though, his ass is bleeding, but he can't feel a thing, silly guy, he is fucked up on tequilia and xanax.
Well the thirteen year old makes his way over to the granny, she called him over there, horny bitch. She wants him to titty fuck her. Picture her titties to, they sag down to her belly button, and her belly button actually droops down to her pussy, and those tits are all covered in moles and sun spots. So the boy strips naked, exposing his small but hard penis and sparse pubic hair. He has just started puberty. He grabs one of her tits and wraps in around his dick and starts to beat off. I bet you have never seen titty fucking like that. Yeah, he just jacks away, rubbing up and down, up and down, really fast... you get the picture. He then grabs the other tit and while jacking off with the former one, wraps this one around his face like a pair of snow goggles. He then does his very best impression of a one armed skier.
So the stew is almost ready. It is scolding hot. My wife begins to strain it. She removes all the hearty chunks of potatoes, savory beef, sweet carrots, baby onions, and the lovely pieces of celery. She puts them in a plastic container, they will be used later. She looks kind of down.
My three year old needs a break. He has already taken my dick in his ass twice, jerked me off 3 times, blew me several times, and doe his little thing with that spatula and egg beater. He learned that trick from watching Good Eats with Alton Brown. And it is a good thing I am not a Hemophilia, I would have died, my dick started bleeding quite a while back. So he needs a pick me up. He does a eightball of cocaine, snorts it right out of the crack of my ass.
I bet you were wondering if the dog or six year old were going to get involved. Well yes they are. The dog is a bit lazy, I actually hate that motherfucker. But the six year old's part is just about to take place. My son has stopped titty fucking his granny. She has actually expired from her own self induced hemorrhaging of the vagina. MY wife comes over with the still scolding hot broth and a funnel. She seems kind of unwilling, she must be tired. She inserts the tip of the funnel down into my thirteen year olds small dick, then begins pouring this hot broth down into his adolescent schlong. The 6 year old is writhing in excitement, I have stripped her naked and her little pussy is just squirting juices, while she vocalizes her delight, making these really cute and innocent coos and squeaks. She almost falls out of her wheelchair... oh, I forgot to mention she has cerebral palsy. Yes, a terrible disease, but she is special, and we love her anyways. Now she can't give a decent handjob for the life of it, not with those crooked little hands, but she can suck a mean cock, which is exactly what she does. She is going to town on that thirteen year old prick, trying her hardest to suck every last drop of stew out. You see, because of her disorder, the only way she get get nourishment is with a feeding tube.
We have almost reached the climax. The three year old, given new life from all that blow, presents himself to that worthless dog. The dog mounts him but finds himself unable to perform. That mutt can't get it up because of the all the anti-depressants he has been prescribed. Since he has been on the, he hasn't been able to fuck, he just sits around, eats and eats, and gets fatter and fatter; which by the way I find fucking disgusting. Who needs a fat dog?
The three year old gets pretty down on himself about this. He thinks it is his fault that dog couldn't get it up. He thinks to himself, "Am I not desirable to him any more?".
So he does all he can to do to cope. He loads his favorite syringe with black tar heroin, ties off, and shoots up, then passes out.
My wife has began to insert the goodies of that stew into her ass. Why? Well that is for later. Now the broth that was in my sons dick is all gone. So he has started to fuck his retarded sister. What happens next is a riot, it might be the funniest part of the whole act. The dummy girl gets so excited, she has actually began to shit herself. And this isn't normal person shit, this is retard shit. It is like an explosion that never ends. It sprays everywhere. Shit gets on the dead granny, the worthless dog, the passed out three year old, my sad wife, it gets all over my happy ass... the thirteen year old is practically drowning in shit. The power of the shitting has actually propelled my six year old's wheelchair into motion... while the boy is still a hammering away. So they are all over the stage, in the shit covered retarded fucking blur.
The thirteen year old has begun to fuck harder and faster. He then lets out this grunt, and unloads his seed into her. But nothing will come of this. He is too young and his cum is to immature. And even if it was, that girls pussy is too damn stupid to know how to make a baby.
Eventually the shitting slows, and the chair comes to a rest. My son crawls off of her and walks over to me. He says, "Dad, I have a confession to make. I'm gay."
I am infuriated, just like anyother good father would be. "No son of mine is a faggot! I will beat the gay right out of your ass!" I start to kick his ass. I punch him repeatedly in the nose, smashing it flat, I choke him and flick him in the balls, then I slam his blood and shit covered body right into the ground. "Have you learned your lesson?".
"Good, now on with the show. Bend over so I can fuck you in the ass."
So I start fucking him hard, while giving him a reach around. So here we are, covered in shit and blood, and I fucking my son while jerking him off. But he collapses, I guess from blood loss or trauma. But the show must go on. So I keep a pounding until I climax... into my own eyes.
Now for the climax. My wife lays on her back, with a tear in her eye. I grab a spoon and start to eat the remnants of the stew right out of her engorged asshole. It is so tasty. And then, my wife pulls out a 9mm and shoots herself in the head. I grab the gun and shoot that fucking dog right in the asshole, killing it.
So here is the finale. The stage is covered in blood, shit, and piss. My six year old daughter has flipped her wheelchair, still shitting, she lies unconscious, presumably dead from exhaustion. The three year old still lies unconscious, syringe still in arm, presumably dead from overdose. The 13 year old lies still, covered in blood, unconscious, presumably dead from total ass whooping. The dog lies unconscious, presumably dead from gunshot to asshole. Granny lies unconscious, covered in piss and blood, presumably dead from blood loss. My wife, lies unconscious, spoon in asshole, presumably dead from self inflicted gunshot wound to head. And there I stand, lights shining down on me, while I jam away on the guitar... as the curtains close shut.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"