Dan Payne's "Dan Payne's Classy Aristocrats" Aristocrats Joke
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
liked this joke
|Rate This Joke|
The father grins as he begins his act. He gives a signal to his wife, who nods and then looks over to the family dog, and whistles. The dog pauses for a moment, and then jumps up on his hind legs and begins to parade around stage.
The son and the daughter move offstage briefly, and then return with armfuls of juggling rings, clubs, and chainsaws. The children toss them through the air to the dog, who skillfully catches them and begins to juggle no less than 3 chainsaws, 5 rings, and 6 juggling clubs. Even more amazing, the dog stands and reveals he is not only juggling, but walking around with an fully erect cock.
The 9 year old daughter drops to her knees, plower-slides across stage, and catches the dog's penis in her mouth. She begins an impromptu blow job on the family dog, carefully pleasuring the canine scrotum with his mouth.
The father smilies, as this act is only beginning. He then winks, and claps his hands three times. From the left of the stage, two black midgets parade onto stage wearing tight denim miniskirts and white tank tops, each carrying a small baseball bat.
The midgets mosey their way over to the 11 year old son. They take no time in beating the shit out of the little boy using the metal baseball bats. The son's head is cracked open, he starts bleed profusely, and keels over onto the stage floor unconscious.
The midget's strip. As the remove their tight miniskirts, they reveal that they are transvestites! Each has both a raging, erect dick, and a gaping nubile vagina. One midget begins raping the unconscious boy in the ass, while the other pounds the first midget's virgin pussy, doggy-style.
The father hasn't stopped smiling since the act began. The act's opening has made him pitch the biggest tent of his life. He leans over to his wife, points, and says, "Look at those jungle-feet niggers go!". While she becomes distracted, he sucker punches her in the mouth, causing her to loose several teeth and start gushing out blood.
The wife staggers from the blow, and the father tears off her clothes. It's fair because he rips his own clothes off too. Soon, they're fucking right on stage. The wife begins gargling up blood between her moans.
Meanwhile, the family dog is about to cum. The daughter switches from a blow job to a hand job, so she can catch the sperm on her face without choking. The dog is just about to orgasm when he suddenly thrust his cock forward. The penis gouges straight into the girl's eye. The eyeball bursts open, exploding fluid and guts, and the dog's cock penetrates right into the daughter's young brain. The dog spurts semen out onto the exposed cerebrum, killing the daughter instantly. The daughter's corpse twitches and shakes like Micheal J. Fox, as the dog takes final piss in her bleeding eye socket.
The dad is grinning so hard. He shifts positions. The wife kneels down quicker than a priest to a choir boy, and the husband begins to titty fuck her. They use the blood streaming from her toothless mouth as a lubricant.
The young boy regains consciousness to find himself at the end of a love train of black midgets. The boy screams, in both terror and pleasure. He realizes the situation has become gayer than a black Jesus, so he becomes queasy. He turns around and vomits all other the front black midget's face.
The midget doesn't notice the vomit, and begins to suffocate. It takes a full minute before the midget drowns and dies on the vomit, just like Jimi Hendrix! The boy moans in pleasure, and the midget's death makes his dick harder.
The remaining black midget quickly pulls out, not because he notices the other is dead, but because he wants to make some quick cash. He grabs the beaten boy, and reaches into his miniskirt, pulling out a homemade bomb.
He yells to the audience, telling them he is a Islamic terrorist. He demands the audience throw all their money, jewelry, and valuables onto the stage, or he will burn them to a fiery Jew-oven Hell.
The audience obeys. The husband and wife just continue titty fucking. The midget collects all the money. He then tells the audience to strip and start fucking each other, or he'll blast them all to a nigger-crisp. So, the audience obeys.
Except, this time, the midget activates the bomb, throws it into the audience, and runs offstage. Every audience member explodes in a giant bloody supernova. What body parts aren't thrown on stage, are left to burn in the theater seating. The place slowly starts to become a raging inferno.
The man and women are covered in blood and body parts. They notice that many of the body parts they're covered with are leftover penis's and vagina's. So, they do what any good Christian would: resort to cannibalism. Together they eat a long erect dick, just like that spaghetti scene on Disney's Lady and the Tramp.
After they've had their share of dicks, pussy, ears, eyes, and fingers, they resume fucking as if nothing had happened.
The man winks once again, and claps his hand five times. From the right side of the stage, someone throws over three live babies.
The man catches all three infants. He sets two babies down, and holds one up to his dick. Forgetting his wife, the man turns the baby over, strips away his pants, and prepares to assfuck the six month old baby.
The man says, "Just kidding! I'm not a baby raper!". He then pulls out a 12 inch combat knife, and slices away each babies eye sockets.
He dropkicks into the air. As they fly through the towards the ceiling, a stream of blood rockets out their eye sockets, splattered all over the man and wife below. Impressive visuals.
The man catches the babies with his knife, impaling through them like a swish kebab. The man beams, and he sits the babies down and prepares for the final stage of the act.
The man grabs his wife by the throat, and immediately stabs her in the face six times. He fucks the wounds. This makes him cum faster than the titty fucking. Soon he is cumming. He spins around as he orgasms, still holding his dieing wife, so that his sperm draws an impressive circle around him on the floor.
As his wife dies, he carves her nipples off. He slices her eyes out. He makes mincemeat out of her vagina, and plays tic-tac-toe on her buttocks.
He then carves a upside down satanic cross, from her throat to her bellybutton, and renounces his soul to Satan himself.
Finally, he throws down his knife, and climbs atop the blood, jizz and vomit covered mountain that is his wife, his violated son and daugher, a black midget, and three babies, and proudly grins and takes a prestigious and final bow.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"