Tyrion Lannister's "A Vagina Full Of Scorpions" Aristocrats Joke
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
liked this joke
|Rate This Joke|
The father pulls out a long metal needle. The daughter opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue. He grabs her tongue and pulls on it stretching it as far as it can go. He then takes the needle and starts stabbing her tongue with it.
"Okay, I've seen enough," says the agent. "Freak shows are bush league. The Jim Rose Circus was so 90s. Show me something I haven't seen before."
The father replies, "oh, I assure you, you haven't seen anything like this."
He grabs his daughterís pants and tears them down. Her vagina has been crudely stitched shut with black twine. The wife lies down on the floor puts her head between the daughters legs, opening her mouth wide. The father pulls a pair of surgical scissors out of his pocket, and proceeds to cut the black twine stitches on his daughter. Suddenly 4 scorpions crawl out and drop down into the motherís mouth. The mother starts chewing them until her mouth is dripping and swollen with venom.
The daughter walks up to the dog and says "c'mere puppy!" She hugs the dog and says "that's a good puppy!" She then proceeds to snap it's neck. Like corn on the cob she begins eating the flesh off the dog bit by bit. The brother sneaks up behind her revealing a tire iron he was hiding behind his back. He brutally bashes his sister in the head, and she falls to the ground unconscious. Greedily the feral boy grabs the dog and tears at the flesh.
Dropping the dog he pulls out his penis and proceeds to rape his unconscious sister.
The father suddenly tears off his trenchcoat, and is completely naked underneath. There is a dead baby crudely sewn into his stomach. The babyís genitals have been cut off. In place of the babies real genitals the man's penis is hanging limply.
With an unnatural smile on his face, the man begins to stroke the babyís head. It turns out the baby isn't dead at all. In fact, coming from the babies mouth is the sound of painful labored breathing. As he lewdly strokes the baby's head his penis becomes erect.
He walks over to his wife and kicks her in the head. She falls to the ground, and he tears off her clothes. In her stomach there is a gaping wound crawling with maggots. He proceeds to fuck the wound as the baby starts to cry in pain, but no tears come from its empty hollow eye sockets.
The daughter wakes up and tears off her shirt. She takes out a knife and carves the word "cunt" into her chest, and when she's done she shoves the knife into her father's rancid green anus. She then slips down on the hilt of the knife, and starts riding her father with it, as if it were a strap-on.
The father pulls out of the mother's gaping wound and starts spraying liquid out of his penis. There's more blood coming out than semen.
Holding out his hands theatrically he yells "TADA!"
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"