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C. Hunter's "The Un-Authorized Tarantino Version" Aristocrats Joke

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

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First, Ricky the five year old comes out with little Herbie, the family's cocker spaniel and takes him to the edge of the stage and ties him up to a poll.

The father, William, then comes out with an electric razor and he starts shaving all the hair off the dog.

The daughter, Maggie, starts collecting the hair in baggie. The dog is almost entirely shaven, when Wendy, the mother comes out and she takes off her top revealing her tits. Now these tits, they are those fat ones with the big headlights and all the sucking has almost destroyed them and licking by her kids and husband. Anyways, she goes over to the dog, unties the dog from the post and starts breast-feeding the dog.

The agent looks at this with a puzzled look. Meanwhile the daughter takes her clothes off. She's got to be five years old. No tits, no pubes, no monthlies, nothing. She takes out some crazy glue and the bag of dog hair and starts pasting the dog hair on her chest. She then takes an Oscar Meyer hot dog pack and starts shoving them up her tight virgin pussy. She's creating a back log of hot dogs up her rammed cunt, blood is dripping between her legs since no shaft has gone up there before. Well the backlog of hot dogs gets to the point where the hot dog wieners in her cunt extend out like small strap on dick. She kinda looks like that midget guy from Fantasy Island.

At this point the brother takes a can of shoeshine and covers himself in it until he looks like the little boy from Webster. The little girl then walks up the boy and punches him in the stomach. The boy bends over, convulsing and spitting blood. The girl then takes a her Oscar Meyer dick and rams it up her brother's black ass.

She screams, "How you like that white meat bitch?"

Ricky screams back "Your honkey dick is too small for my black ass!"

The father then strips, walks over to his black son and picks up his little daughter, who looks like the midget from Fantasy Island and throws the girl across the room. She lands in pile of bones on the other side and is unconscious. An Oscar Meyer wiener is ripped in two and lodged in the boy's ass crack. A trickle of blood drips down the boy’s legs collecting in a pile of the boy's Muppets babies under-roos.

The father then whips his hard man cock into his little boy's asshole pushing the Oscar Meyer wiener into the boy’s colon.

The father fucks the little boy and pulls back on the boy’s ears and seethes, "You want me to read you a bedtime story now faggot? Little fuck, you blamed me for not being around, how you like me now!"

The little boy goes into some type of septic shock and begins turning colors. He turns more colors than that bitch from the original Willy Wonka. The boy starts vomiting all over the place the little bits of hot dog flow freely out of the boy's mouth. For some reason the boy coughs up an old parchment and dies.

The mother who was breast-feeding the dog looks up and screams, you killed my son! That wasn't part of the act!!! She pulls the dog off her tit, whose teeth are deep into her nipple, ripping the nipple off. Her blood squirts all over. She picks up a chair and she attacks her husband.

The shaven dog chew up the nipple and swallows it. He smiles after eating it and then runs over to the dead little boy in black face. The dog has gotten the taste for human flesh. The dog starts gnawing at the carcass of the little boy.

The daughter, disoriented, gets up from the other side of the room and pulls a gun and points it at her dad. She screams, "Let's kill this son of a bitch!"

The dog turns around and yells back "my mother wasn't a bitch!" He attacks the little girl, ripping her head clean off. Blood gushes out of the little girls head. The gun is tossed on the ground.

The mother and father scramble for the gun. They are writhing on the floor and the father gets a hard on at the same moment he gets the gun. He shoots his wife in the head and starts fucking her corpse. Right before he cums he pulls out and cums bukakke-style on the splat that used to be her head.

The dog walks over to the dead black boy and starts licking up the vomit around the boy’s body. The dog picks up the parchment, puts on a stove top hat and starts reading the document aloud.

It is the emancipation proclamation. The dad walks up behind the dog wearing the stove top hat and shoots him in the head.

The dog lurches forward, dropping the emancipation proclamation onto the ground. Blood splatters onto the horrified face of the agent.

The father looks at the agent around him are the corpses of his wife, daughter, son and dog. He stoops down takes a shit and picks it up. He then molds a shit-statue version of his family as they were before they were killed and hands it to the agent.

"Ta da! This is a tie-in we think we could sell after the show. What do you think?"


For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

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