Adam's "The Evangelicals" Aristocrats Joke
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
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As the rest of the family starts to prep for their act, the father gives a brief description of their performance. He tells the agent that they are a foster family and that, depending on the child staying with them, the act may differ slightly from time to time. He says that this act has been passed down through 4 generations of his family. His grandparents did the routine on Bing Crosby's radio show in the 40's. His father performed the routine on the Merv Griffin Show in 1976. And his family has even had the priveledge of performing their act for the NRA annual convention in 2002, Promise Keepers convention in 2003, the Republican National Convention in 2004, and scores of churches and bible camps across the country.
"You can stop right there", the agent says. "I don't book Christian acts".
With disappointment in his eyes, the father asks "Look, can we just take 5 minutes of your time? This is really an awe-inspiring bit".
With that the agent settles in his chair, and says "OK. But you're only getting 5 minutes. Not a second more".
The father looks over at his wife, a pleasant 30-something woman who is dressed like Barbara Billingsly's understudy on Leave It To Beaver. She smiles, and nods her head, indicating that they are ready to start. The family then gathers in a circle in the middle of the room, holds hands, and bows their heads as the father says a hushed prayer. 20 seconds later, they raise their heads, faces beaming, saying "Amen" in unison the way most high school football teams would say their team name in the last moments of a locker room peptalk.
As rehearsed, the men of the family get on their hands and knees, positioning themselves asses up in front of the agent. The girls grab the men's breakaway trousers and rip them off in one motion.
Now the daughter is with the father, and the mother with the foster son. The women spread the guy's ass cheeks and start eating their puckered holes. Within seconds, both men are getting aroused. The women start jerking the guys off, vigerously. By now both girls are penetrating their partners with their tongue. The foster son screams out, "Fuck me Mrs. Johnson".
The father stands up, pulls his foster son up by the collar, and starts apologizing to the agent. The entire family is red-faced. He pulls his son aside and says, "How many times do I have to tell you that language of that sort WILL NOT be tollerated in our household? You should be ashamed of yourself".
They join the rest of the family and start with the next part of the act.
The mother and daughter position themselves with the daughter in front and mother in back, both doing headstands. Their dresses covering their faces. Neither are wearing panties. The son pulls a tampon from his mothers pussy and flings it across the room. Instantly Duke, the family Retriever, bolts from his position in the corner, through the 2 "V's" of the women's legs and grabs the tampon in midair. He swallows the swollen, crusty tampon in one bite.
Suddenly, the agent vomits all over his desk. From the looks of things, he either had soup or a chicken pot pie for lunch. Duke darts across the room, onto the desk, and starts lapping up the agent's regurgitated lunch.
The family is stunned. You can tell that they're improvising at this point. They've never performed the routine without Duke. They continue.
The father walks over to the women, still in their "Flying V" formation. He picks up two, 36" long swords off of the floor and gently inserts one in each of the women's vaginas. Showing extraordinary muscle control, especially for the 11 year old daughter, the women slowly sink the swords inside them, leaving only the handles showing.
The father pulls each one of the swords out, the women return to their feet, and the father and son stand next to each other, each with a bloody sword in their hands. Simeltaneously, they tilt their heads back and swallow the swords that came out of the ladies, leaving each one spotless as they pull them out of their mouths.
The 11 year old daughter then stands in the middle of the room. The father and son dance around her, taking turns pissing on her white cotton summer dress. The father stops, faces the agent, and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, a moment of silence please for our men and women stationed overseas", revealing the daughter with her dress covered in dozens of yellow "piss ribbons".
After another 30 seconds, the family gathers in a new position. Mother and daughter strip naked, sit on the floor and spread their legs. The foster son gets on his knees with his back to the agent. The women start to queef in perfect harmony to the tune of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A.", while the foster son, an 8 year old African-American kid with pronounced lips, starts blowing the father. While the father is getting blown by the foster kid, he starts to recite bill of rights.
The father gets to the second ammendment,(you know...the one about bearing arms), pulls out of the foster son's mouth. Takes a loaded shotgun, sticks that into the foster kids mouth, pulls the trigger and blows a hole though the back of the kids neck. There is blood and brain tissue and chunks of the boy's spinal collumn sprayed across the room. He then sticks his cock back into the kid's mouth, and with the back of the kid's neck still smoking, blows his load through the exit wound.
By this time the girls are holding sparklers in their hands. They have also shoved Roman Candles up their cooches and they start going off. It looks like something you would see in a German porno, just more patriotic.
The father pushes the lifeless corpse of his foster son off of his cock. The women stand up, smiles from ear to ear, and bow just like they practiced.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"