Diarrhea Jones's "Nut Pie" Aristocrats Joke

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

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The father takes off his pants, pulls out a condom, squats over it, and begins shitting. He shits until it is completely full of shit and then ties off the end, making it a baseball bat sized log of feces.

He then swings the poop filled condom with terrific, violent force, into the talent agents face. It collides with such incredible power that the condom explodes, spraying feces all over the office and coating each family member in a thick, chunky, layer of poop.

The impact from the poop filled condom sends the talent agent flying backward and he crashes through the floor to ceiling window behind his desk. He plummets downward, covered in poop and broken glass, from his 91st floor office.

A moment after the agent falls through the window, the mother runs to the now gaping hole, squats and yells, "diarrhea powers activate!" An enormous stream of diarrhea blasts from her vagina and propells her out the window and down toward the falling talent agent. The other family members, father son and daughter, then mount the dog like a horsie, point toward the window and say, "activate fecal propulsion system!" in unison.

The dog's eyes become very serious and suddenly a massive deluge of feces blasts out his mouth, sending dog, father, daughter, and son flying backward and crashing through the front door of the office, past the secretary and into the elevator, spraying shit all over everything on the way. The secretary yells, "that elevator is broken!" just as the door slides shut.

The son pushes "1" on the control panel and the elevator groans. Suddenly the cables holding it up snap and the elevator careens toward the bottom of the shaft.

Meanwhile, the mother catches up with the talent agent in midair and secures his safety by tying her breasts around his neck in a double knot. She punches him in the gut so hard that he also begins firing feces, but out his dickhole. The force is so strong that his pants rip off and fall to earth filled with feces, crushing a police car with a pregnant celebrity in it. Mother and talent agent then stop falling and the force of their combined streams of diarrhea is enough to propell them back up to the 91st floor window. But they fly up so fast that they pass the window and land on the roof, two hundred and seventy five floors above the office.

Back in the elevator, father, son, daughter and dog fall to certain doom when the son has an idea. He starts blasting diarrhea out of his eye sockets and the daughter begins doing the same. The father sees the brilliance of the plan and also joins in. The dog starts obediently barfing up more diarrhea to help.

The elevator completely fills with feces so that the falling occupants in it are swimming in the poop. A moment after it fills, it crashes into the bottom floor, the force of which causes the metal doors to bend and rip open, sending a tsunami of diarrhea out into the lobby of the building. Hundreds of people going to work in the building are sprayed by the fecal tsunami and from the center of the impact comes father, son, and dog, riding the daughter like a surfboard on the wave of shit. All of them are constantly blasting diarrhea from their eye sockets and the sight of them surfing the diarrhea and riding the daughter like a surfboard causes hundreds of people in the lobby to start vomiting diarrhea. Soon the diarrhea level rises in the lobby, until the poopy flood makes its way to the second floor.

The mother and agent land on the roof of the gargantuan skyscraper in a pile of their own diarrhea. They stand up and look around for a way to get back down to the 91st floor. They spot an elevator and run toward it.

As the diarrhea flood at the bottom of the building reaches each floor, the occupants of that floor begin vomiting diarrhea as well, thus making the diarrhea level continually rise at a fastaer and faster pace. Father, daughter, son and dog are frantically swimming up the stairwell to avoid drowning in the unstoppable, rising, poop. When the skyscraper is full of diarrhea up to the three hundredth floor, the building begins to shake.

The shaking startes the mother and agent on the rooftop, they stop running and the mother yells, "GRAB ONTO SOMETHING." She knows what is about to take place.

The father, son, daughter and dog keep swimming up the stairwell. The rising diarrhea reaches the top floor and has no where to go, because all doors on the top floor are closed. The glass walls on all sides of the building begin to crack from the pressure. The father, son, daughter, and dog stop trying to swim upward, they turn to look out the window in the stairwell of the 321st floor, as the poop rises around them.

Suddenly all the glass walls on all sides of the building shatter at once, and the massive building lets loose an immesurably large wave of diarrhea from all sides. The wave completely buries all surrounding buildings, which are miniscule in size compared to the building which the diarrhea wave centers on.

The father, daughter, son and dog get swept up in the wave and find themselves careening through the downtown streets, between the other office buildings and skyscrapers. All buildings that the wave passes fill with feces from the occupants barfing diarrhea, until the city floods with poop and the sound of sloshing diarrhea and screams of drowning people are all that can be heard. The poop level rises more and more until the building that it all started at, with the mother and agent on the roof, is the only building still partially unsubmerged, because it is the tallest building in the world.

The father, son, daughter, and dog have been separated and are all caught up in different currents blasting away from the center of the catastrophe. The fecal ocean spreads further and further from the center, all humanity adding to its magnitude by barfing diarrhea at the sight of it until the entire earth has been covered with diarrhea, save for a few mountains and the original building that it began at. The mother and talent agent are standing on the rooftop rescuing survivors from the diarrhea ocean until they both pass out from the smell and fall in, getting caught up in the current as well.

Over the course of the following years the surviving inhabitants of earth learn to live on their new, mostly poop covered, planet. All the members of the family, and the agent, somehow wash up on the same mountain which is on the exact opposite side of the earth that the talent agency was on. They begin finding eachother one at a time on the mountain-turned-island and share the stories that they have experienced before arriving on the mountain.

They would learn to live in peace on the mountain, and the gentle sounds of the poop tide coming in and out, lulled them to sleep for the first time that night they all were reunited.

In the morning the family was standing around the talent agent as he woke up laying in the dirt, covered in feces, just as they all were.

"Good morning! How's our favorite agent?" they all said in unison, then vomited diarrhea from all directions at him.

That moment, it started raining. The agent sat up and yelled, "Oh no! Rain!" and they all ran to the nearest cave to avoid the rain. "We'll be safe from the rain here guys" said the son, and they all shared a jovial laugh and got into a poo fight, throwing it at eachtother and giggling and having a grand old time. Finally the rain stopped and they were able to emerge, poop covered, from the cave.

That night they realized they didnt have anything to eat on the mountain, but they had a hefty supply of poop to eat and drink, so they did, and all was well. At one point later that week the agent suggested that they drink their urine, instead of the diarrhea, because it might possibly be healthier. All the family members just stared at him in horror until the father shook his head and said, "it looks like you have to die now"

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"


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