Kris Kringle's "Miracle On Wilshire Boulevard" Aristocrats Joke
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
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The man is dressed in red, with white hair and flowing beard. "You see," he tells the agent, "I'm Santa Claus!"
Santa sits down on his majestic throne and the mother strides up to him. "Have you been a good girl," asks Santa?
"Oh yes," the mother says.
"Good enough to eat the shit out of Santa's hairy old asshole?" Santa says and twists around so that his big jiggly wrinkled ass pops out of the trap door of his long johns. The woman goes right to work with her tongue, digging into Santa's crusty anus, felching out grey old turds and swallowing them.
When she's done, Santa resumes his sitting position and says, "have a happy holiday, young lady."
The young girl comes forth. Santa asks "have you been a good girl this year?"
"Oh yes I have" she says.
"Good enough to give Santa a golden shower and a kaviar breakfast?" Santa turns upside down on his throne so that his head points at the floor. The girl lifts her dress, to reveal she has no panties, and takes a long orange piss in Santa's mouth. His snowy beard is colored the shade of a rotten apricot. Then the girl grunts girlishly and lets fly a long mushy coil of feces onto Santa's face. She grunts some more to dislodge a few last brown little nuggets that pepper the pile of spongey turd mounted on Santa's mouth, nose and forehead.
"Fank woo," Santa says beneath the shit hill, "haffa habby howwiday!"
Then the boy steps up. "I don't think you're the real Santa!" the boy screams! "I demand you prove you're real!!"
"Very well," says the old man. He snaps his fingers, and through the door, in single file, march an army of uniformed sanitation workers, each carrying a bucket of liquified shit. Each bucket is marked, "to Santa, care of Acme Talent Agency, Wilshire Blvd."
Each man tosses his entire bucket of diarrhea on Santa. Bucket after bucket of shit splashes him until he is lying in a heap on the floor: two shitty Santa boots sticking out of a huge mound of pungent sewer stew.
Then a court judge walks in to announce "if the United States Department of Sanitation views this man as Santa Clause, the court will not dispute it!"
"Okay, so you're Santa," the boy says. He digs into the shit with his bare hands until he finds Santa's face. Santa is out cold, suffocated by the smoldering shit. The boy opens his mouth, inserts his dick and daintily skull fucks the unconscious old St. Nick.
"I wanta beebee gun," he says as he comes in Santa's mouth.
"Taaa-daaaahhh!" scream the mom and daughter!
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"